everyone needs a good bat story

*Ring Ring Ring*
ME: "Hello?"
"Hi, there's a bat in your house."
"Oh God, are you kidding? Get it out!"
"I'm drunk and don't know what to do with a bat. What do you do with a bat?"
"Turn on the light! Echolocate!"
"I was making ramen noodles when it came flying at my head!"
"Is Kerby there?"
"I don't think she's awake. Should I wake her up?"
"No, let her sleep, she'll freak out. Seriously."
*AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!*
"Kerby's awake. This thing is HUGE. It's like a moth, but 20 times bigger!"
"So what you're saying here is that the bat is like a moth, but bat-sized."
"Don't make fun of me. I have to go."
*Click*


*Ring Ring Ring*
"Hello?"
"Okay, I killed the bat, but I broke your broom."
"You broke my broom? Now what am I supposed to sweep with?!"
"Hey, I tried to get it out of your room but it wouldn't get out!"
"You killed it in my ROOM?"
"Don't worry, it's not on your bed. It's like at the foot of your bed. On the carpet."
"I can't believe you beat a bat to death on my bedroom carpet."
"It was going crazy and it was gonna get rabies on everyone!"
"Well now there's rabies on my carpet."
"Don't worry, Kerby sprayed it with hospital spray."
"This is so gross. Poor bat. I can't believe you."
"Kerby says 'Fuck the bat'.
"Poor bat."
"I KILLED A BAT FOR YOU! I cleaned it up. Your room is clean and rabies-free. I wonder what happened to my noodles."
*Click*


*Ring Ring Ring*
"Hello?"
"Hey, he told you about the bat thing?"
"Yeah, I heard about the whole thing. I'm glad he was there to smash it to death for you."
"Yeah, I'm glad he was here too. Except he probably let the damn thing in in the first place."
"Haha I KNEW it. He said he was just cooking noodles and the thing came flying at his face."
"I should have sprayed his shoe. He was kicking it with his shoe for a while."
"And I told my dad the whole story about the bat and the broken broom and the antiseptic spray and the pulverization on my carpet, and my dad's like: 'Wait, he can cook noodles?'"